All jumbled up

Why I love until so xin ku ah? I don’t understand.
Is it my lack of understanding about biking? I’m trying very hard to learn as much as I can about it.
He said his friend has him to go on track. I know it’s not safe, and he knows it too, that’s why he is putting it off till after the exams.

One day I’ll go take a look. With or without him. I’m sure it would not be a problem to find someone to bring me along. Not that I look good, but just the fact that I’m female has its advantages. And I’ll exploit this fact. I need some biker friends too, so I can better understand this whole thing. Hopefully it’ll expand my social circle also sia.

Perhaps I’m only worried about his safety. I still find it odd. Super 4 on track? It should look out of place with all the other sports bikes.

Anyway, whatever. I’m learning to do what I used to do: let him go, and he’ll come back on his own. It is extremely key to a relationship, and it was what I had always advocated. Till this biking thingy.

I seriously don’t get what’s the big deal. Why am I split into 2 persons? I feel like I have one half of me saying that it’s his passion, and I should be glad he has a passion in the first place – ‘cos I believe everyone needs one. The other half of me is saying that I’ll take second place to this passion of his, and eventually he’ll meet someone with the same passion and be taken away from me.

This is just one of the many daily conflicts in me. I’m very confused. The heart and mind just don’t want to listen to each other. So irritating. I can rationalise everything on my own. No need some psychiatrist to analyse for me. And yet I still feel like crap sometimes.

At least as a consolation, I know what the conflicts I have within me. I am able to identify them. And I am trying to deal with them one by one, bit by bit. It just does not make sense for one to be so possessive to expect him to introduce every female he gets to know – online or in person. Nor expect him to avoid mixing with females at all costs. Why the hell am I turning into my ex? I just will not stand myself doing that. It makes absolutely no sense.

Love is not about possessing the person. It’s to let the person go be happy, and knowing at the end of the day, he/she still will come back. I mean, I’m enjoying this freedom now, why shouldn’t it be extended to him? Grrrrrrr… what is happening to me ah?

My life has to stop revolving around him. I soooo need a life of my own. Independent of his.

I know all these are rather repetitive. I just need an avenue to let these out before I go nuts. I don’t have photos of Kiki with me on my office compy so photos of ME will have to do. Haha!


These were taken yesterday after a small company BBQ I organised. And that’s me in my expensive (S$50 IS expensive ok?!) cheongsam-styled dress cum top. Go work mah, cannot wear as dress.
[Me and attachment student]


[Me and colleague who drank quite a bit before the photo]


[I just had to snap one to show off what I'm wearing. Milk it to the max.]

Look nice bah? I bet I didn’t smell as nice. By the way, I'm referring to my taste in clothes. I know I not pretty enough so no need to comment on that part. Didn't help that this was snapped after a day of running about. And nope, I don't wear make-up to work. If you wanna meet up, this is as good as I'll look. haha!

Counting down...

Alcohol is an evil thing.

When I was feeling down, there was this bizarre craving in me for alcohol. I always said that alcohol always makes one feel the extreme of what they feel when they drink – if you drink when you’re happy, you become happier. When you drink when you’re sad, it makes you even more depressed.

Funny how I seemed to yearn a drink so badly when I was feeling so utterly lost. I still don’t understand it. Could it be the media images that have been fed to me over so many years, are finally getting to me?

I haven’t done it yet. And I don’t hope to. But I realise this sinking feeling, although not as bad, is still lingering. It’s a really odd uneasiness. It’s like.. something’s wrong. I can’t put my finger on it. I trust Dearie’s riding skills, but when he said “go into Malaysia”, alarm bells rang again. I’ve read up a bit to understand that it isn’t all that bad to go, but it’s like this little tingling in me telling me to watch out. Or to ask him to watch out.

He hasn’t gone in for a while now. Too busy studying and gaming. Yesterday, he deleted his WoW from the computer. His only destresser is now riding.

I’ve been meddling with this thingy called “Who Lives Near You”. I know I know.. I’m a little late in joining the club. I don’t usually like to but hey, my friends told me it wasn’t all that bad so I gave it a shot.

As expected, I have a slew of messages from guys – from those that seem genuine to those asking “you open minded?”. Reminds me of my mIRC heydays.

If you want to add me in wholives, drop me a message here, or there.

I went in with the intention to find people to go KTV. Turns out, I did a calculation and found out I will not be able to go until after my exams. SIGH. How sucky is that?! Every evening AND weekend from now till June has to be dedicated to studying or else I will not make it. It’s a fact.

So much for singing.

Anyway, I’ve realised that the next time Dearie’s not around and gone riding, I can call on those from wholives too. Do something exciting and meet a stranger. Haha! Cheap thrills. Who ask him don’t take me on his thrill ride hor? I find my own. Humph!

I’m getting back to normal. The drag of studying is weighing me down. The best part – I haven’t even started. I dread exams. I utterly hate to study. There are so many better things I’d rather do.

I am actually still contemplating learning how to ride. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? I can’t imagine myself driving a car already, yet I’m thinking of moving about on a motorcycle. My parents would kill me. Thing is, except for the rain, a bike/scooter is the most logical form of transport in Singapore. Cheap and convenient.

Breaking away from that all together, Nokia’s service centre sucks.

A month ago, I queued for Dearie to send his N80 to the Wheelock Branch to change his slider. After half an hour in the queue, I was told there was no more stock. Fine. 3 weeks later, they call to say the stock has finally arrived (even when they told me they’d have it by the 1st week).

Dearie went down on Thursday, queued for over 3 hours, passed them the phone, and was given a slip saying he could collect it the next day.

He couldn’t make it on Friday, so we went down on Saturday. Queued for 20min before being presented the wrong phone (he could tell it wasn’t his ‘cos of the accessory that wasn’t his). After a 5min search in the back room, he was told his phone failed some software test, and had to be sent to the headquarters. Since the headquarters weren’t open on weekends, he’d have to wait till Monday to wait for a call on the status.

It is Monday afternoon. I haven’t heard from Nokia all day.

Lousy!!!

It’s the start of my study-spree. I’m planning my strategy as I trudge ahead. I’m going to have to get through this. Once June hits, I’ll be like a guy who just got freedom from the army.

I can already taste the sweetness. The wilderness in me will be unleashed. That wild fire in my eyes will burn again.

More gatherings for me pls!

[Wrote this on 21 Feb]
Sometimes I wonder Dearie actually does peek into my blog. But I just know he doesn’t. Which I have started not to mind anyway. I know a couple of his friends drop in once in a while, but they don’t talk to him about what I write.

So it never fails to amaze me when he surprises me with small little things he does. He was supposed to go for this steamboat gathering thingy at some forum girl’s place. I really didn’t want to mind. It wasn’t as if he was going alone, but I wanted to know who she was out of curiousity. Even if he said it was a guy I’d ask too.

Anyway, he started getting elusive again and it only pissed me off even more from before. This was before we left for St. James. I pretty much dragged him there. Honestly I don’t see why I had to do that. He has absolutely no fancy for clubbing (and it’s not like I’m a big fan either).

Didn’t matter. I still made him go. For some reason, they chose to be in Dragonfly. No difference to me, but to YL is was hell. Heehee.. Poor thing.

I don’t know what prompted him – maybe I was drinking a little faster than usual? – but he nudged me with his phone. I looked at it and saw it was the invitation sms for his steamboat gathering. For some reason, that appeased me.

I realised that I didn’t actually need to know every single one of his friends. It would make me a lot more comfortable but realistically, it would be quite ridiculous to arrange.

He has had female camp mates (he was at CMPB so more girls), some of his best pals in poly were female, and he has had female gaming people too. Why am I more insecure around the biker ones? Then I figured to myself it was possibly because the previous times, he would include me in their group outings, so when it stopped for the bike ones, it started to worry me.

Either way, I’m glad he did what he did.

It still doesn’t stop me from hoping I’d join his little gatherings one day, but I’ll keep waiting I guess.

The next day was his steamboat day. I was supposed to go to my ex boss place and I did intend to hitch a lift on his bike on the way but heck. It was too out of the way.

I told him I wasn’t going, and would try to organise a KTV outing. I changed my MSN nick, went for a bath and right after that, I received msgs from YL and Patrick. I never knew my MSN nick would be so attractive – until they told me it was Dearie would told them to ask me for details.

Awwwww.. heehee..

Later on he himself asked me to contact his good buddy Yuan (also my ex-schoolmate and my friend) as they may be going, so I could just join in. A bunch of them were going to one of my good ‘ol ex-classmate’s place somewhere in Clementi for a gathering. I was still pretty stoned from St. James although I didn’t drink much. I’m too old to dance sia……

At 5pm, Yuan called and said I could go over first then see how since the rest weren’t there. It was a 10-15min walk away. I had nothing to do (besides studying). Wanted to nap but couldn’t fall asleep. Tired but wanted to go out. So hell yeah, I went!

I love seeing old friends. Particularly secondary school ones. I just love being around them. Maybe I just love gatherings. I like seeing the same old faces bugging at each other as if we were still in school. Only that we’re now all grown up, and can stop the playing and sit down and talk properly if we want to.

There were some familiar faces at his place and they were playing mahjong. Other games, have I ever mentioned how I suck at games too? Well, I’m saying it now – I suck at them.

I couldn’t understand the game mahjong at all so I just watched TV. Not like I minded. I was just glad to be there. I’m an oddball.

Anyway, one of them left the table and the host asked me to take the seat. That he could teach me the game, like how he did with his other protégé. Hmm.. They were short of a player if I didn’t play, so he quickly gave me a tutorial round. Funnily enough, after so many years of trying to understand what is going on the table, I actually got it this time!!!

But of course, I only know the entry level stuff. Very beginner. I still don’t understand what the winds mean, and what are the special rules and formations. Well, it’s not like I was playing with my money, or that I’m going to be doing that any time soon.

If the host didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d suspect he was coming on to me, or just a lecher. But hey, he’s an old-time friend, and not the only one I’ve known who’s a little touchy with me. I’m fine with it, as long as 1) my boyfriend ain’t there; 2) the other fella’s girlfriend ain’t there; 3) the fella doesn’t cross the line; 4) the fella does it with everyone else too.

In the end there was no KTV session. Not even with the people I tried to get online (though that one may be able to take place pretty soon). All in all, I still enjoyed myself. I only left his place at 1:30am. Pretty late for someone who had to work at 8am this morning.

Smart fellas went to turn on some horror film which I simply refused to stay and watch. I left with a another couple for the night. I honestly expected to walk back on my own – a big factor in leaving immediately when the horror show started. The dear host was kind enough to send me back in his car, all the way up.

Dearie had gotten home by then. Lucky him. Entire week off. Humph. Don’t think he’ll study much this week. He’ll be busy taking care of his bike and I’ll be busy with work and more gatherings.

Lion dance coming to my company liaoz. The only reason why I came to office today. To prepare for their arrival. Kaoz.

So tired! But so many gatherings! I liiiike…
I hope I get to go to his bike gatherings one day…

The root of my depression

Happy CNY peeps.

Today's my 1st day of visiting. His place, his grandma's place, his other grandma's place.

Afer that it's St James. If anyone happens to be there, u can call me.

Still sianz during this period. Wait. Sianz isn't the right word. Feels more like depressed.

To think that it all arises from my feelings towards him. Just one person. I don't want to turn into my ex. I'm being really careful about that. But it can be extremely frustrating when he tries to avoid my questions or just refuse to answer them. No matter how small they seem. It makes me wonder a lot - he cannot even tell me small things, what makes me think he will ever tell me anything else?!??!?!?!

I am angry. Irritated. Disappointed. Saddened.

It is going to be a trying period for me. A testing one for him. It's not like I'm deliberately creating tests for him.. but seriously, I need to think about how this relationship is moving. I need to deeply consider whether this is really the person I'm meant to be with.

I'm giving him UP TO one year. Within this one year anything can happen. If he continues to be this elusive about everything........ then I'm sorry. It'll probably never work out.

What's a relationship if we can't even speak freely to each other??? Communication is so vital yet it seems to be somewhat lacking.

Funny how I cannot seem to bring myself to tell him about this one-year deadline I'm giving him (and myself). It's just something I've set on my own. But I do think most gals have such timelines in their head. I'm pretty certain I ain't the first.

His mysteriousness... elusiveness... avoidence... That is probably precisely what gives my trust in him the quivers. If he thinks its cute, sure. Maybe to others. But to me, it's just the starting point of reconsidering this relationship.

I love him, but what's the use?

Just for fun

A day of ups and downs

My day started off really bad. So bad I could barely pull myself to work. My period wasn't helping. So all this affected my appetite.

The whole day of work left me stoning in the office. I wonder if I actually managed to get any work done. YL did help me get by through SMS. Thanks YL...

Anyway, left the office to meet an old secondary school friend for dinner. We got re-acquainted on Friday night. Both of us have been with our guys for 5 yrs. Somehow, both of us seemed to hit the ditch recently. I think hers is a worser case though.

It was by chance that we got to talking heart-to-heart on Fri. We made it a point that if we needed to talk, we could get each other out again. I needed just that today.

We shopped around. Or rather, I did. I got the Charles & Keith heels I'd been eyeing on for a while. Then moved on to get a v-day card for Dearie. After all that crap still get him a card? I know I know. What a sucker I am. What to do? I still love him mah.

Anyway, I got the card. Met up with my friend and walked around Vivo in search of a top for Dearie. I love to shop. It is probably like what sex is to men. You know what makes shopping even better? Gift shopping. Yep. I love to get presents. Especially if the budget is good. Oh, in case you're wondering. Gift shopping includes buying myself a gift - something like a reward, a treat.

We walked from Levi's to Tommy Hilfiger to Pull and Bear. In the end we landed up in GAP. I never expected myself to get anything from there. Then again, I was only thinking that I'd never get anything for MYSELF from there. Too damn freaking expensive for plain clothing. Still, I got a sweater for him. The material was just too soft to let go... and it was perfect for him. Bloody hell cost $95. Since UOB got 15% discount if buy $100, I threw in 3 pairs of socks for $25. Could've gotten the boxers or just 1 pair, which would be cheaper but... Must be practical. Socks more useful for him. I just love the sweater.

We moved on for dinner at Swensens. Both of us had this chocolate fondue thingy. My gosh.. I almost got high on it or something.

Bought some CDs before heading to her car. Been so long since I bought CDs. Finally forked out $8 for Michael Buble, and a whopping $18.90 for Tony Bennett's Duets. The Bellini Room on Saturday night just made me want the CD even more lahz. Finally got it.

My friend stays near Dearie's place so she dropped me off. I lingered a bit downstairs to fill up the card. I sms-ed to check he had got home for school already, then went up to surprise him.

I just love giving presents. How can anyone not love the feeling?

He sent me home after we watched some TV, and that was pretty much that. I think I'm feeling a lot better now.

I'm trying very hard to ignore whatever I thought I suspected and just go ahead and trust him. If he does anything outside, I really cannot stop him. Nor can I stop the other party, can I? What's the point of confronting without evidence? Hearing his denial will not make things any more easy for me.

But somewhere in me I just will not believe he'd do such a thing to me. At most, he just won't tell them he's attached. Ha Ha. Damn. I seriously need to go out more and make new friends. Guys included.

I'll just let nature take its course. Take a step at a time. I have to focus on my studies now. After that, it's time to pick up dancing, a language, driving?

Focus focus. Study study. Love him love him.

Then again...

I may not be as ok as I think I am.

I really don't know. But now I truly understand this - don't go snooping around if you can't handle what you'll find.

It's time I went out to make more friends. Go out a little more. Maybe that's the whole point. He's secure that I am going to be here for him. And I'm super insecure about him.

I don't know why. Is a girl's intuition always right? Or am I really just thinking waaay too much?

Either way, I've decided. I need to get out more. Do more wild stuff. If he can do it, so can I. He's never stopped me. Let's see if he does anything now.

Now... what can I do?

I'm ok. Really.

It's dumb isn't it? Getting jealous over bike outings. Still, I can't help it. If I can't be a part of any of these outings, then I'll continue feeling this way. I can't change how I feel. It's not like I don't want to go, but it doesn't seem like I'm welcome so... forget it. I can find activities to fill my time. With approval or not.

Lichen asked: If I'm so unhappy, why bother being in the relationship?

I'm not going to let something like this be the basis of a break-up. I may not be the happiest person when such crap is thrown in my face but heck, I'm not that miserable either.

I know he needs his space. And I also know that I'd rather like him ro ride and try things now than later on be too old to do them.

See? I'm level headed and rational too. I'm not that blind.

Still, these feelings in me... I cannot stop them. They are just what makes me a girl. Or rather, a girlfriend.

And to add to that, bottom line is: I love him. Now, how to you ever rationalise that?! I wish I knew. Haha! I'm here to make this relationship work, and I believe he will too (with a bit of coaching with my friends and his).

That still doesn't mean that I am not dumb enough to succumb to everything he does. I still have my principles and stuff, so yes, I can be blown off. Like I always say - Na De Qi, Fang De Xia (Dare to take, dare to let go). Just don't test my limits.

Dearie's still basically a good guy. Like anyone else, there're the good and bad. That does not leave me out. I've got my flaws too, and it's just because Dearie doesn't have a blog that you don't see it already.

V-day's around the corner. I don't seem to be feeling anything for it. Perhaps because this weekend we're going to be studying in school. Much much much needed studying. After that, he's probably going into M'sia again. Thank goodness I've got my own friends and will be going St James for a tiny farewell thingy.

On 14th Feb... My only plan is to work as usual. And plan for the CNY celebration happening in the office. Loads of work lately just keep piling up. I'm beginning to topple.

So that explains the no-v-day mood. He don't bother, I don't bother. No point getting hopes up. I'd rather he just treat me better and sweeter everyday. Hug me a little longer. Look at me and tell me how he feels.. Give me a little peck just because...... Always hold me close whenever I'm there.....

so simple..... yet so rare......

Before, I never understood those lovey dovey stuff people write/sing/act/etc about. Now... I seem a lot more sensitive to these. Funny what love does to you. And he's oblivious. Irritating. But he's a guy. That's supposed to explain it all.

And I'm just another girl. A new age girl. In love. But keeping my head level. He's never given me any guarantees. So I'm doing the best thing I can: Playing it safe.

Love is a many splendid thing.

---

When I was chatting with YL, I realised I didn't add this portion:
That I am also probably jealous that he goes to many "new" places with his friends than me. Not only M'sia but Singapore too. Labrador Park, etc etc etc...

I ask him to bring me, his reply is "Next time lor".

Fine. Dun bring me? THen I go myself. Or find other people to bring me go.

---

I HAVEN'T SUNG IN MONTHS! I NEED TO GO KTV DESTRESS! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

No other females allowed

I don't care if they're my friends. Unless they are his biological sister, cousin or mother, no other female is to sit on Dearie's bike.

I made that very clear last night. I'm not going to ask if there were, but after this clear stating of my rule, if there are any, I'll give that girl hell. And even worse for Dearie.

Yep. I'm possessive and selfish. I'm not afraid to admit it.

The day I stop feeling this way, will be the day I won't be with him any more.

Call me ridiculous. A green eyed monster. A petty gal.
Then think to yourself, would you want to see the person you love being hugged by someone else for say.. half an hour? I don't care what shitty excuse you give like "it's not hugging" or "the arms are holding the handle bar, not my waist". Think of it this way: me pressed up another guy's back tight, or maybe the guy pressed up against my back. If Dearie says ok to that, then ho-ho, why am I even in his life?

I used to be fine with bikes. I guess it was the frequent JB trips and late night rendezvous that ticked me off. Oh.. and particularly the speeding.

Like I said long ago, I don't like people who cheat. If anyone sees something fishy going on with my partner, I'd like to be informed. I have no intention of becoming one who gets cheated on. No guy who cheats is worth my time.

I'm not saying that Dearie does. I'm just saying that if such a thing happened, yes, I would want to be told. I will approach him, confirm/clear it, then decide what to do.

Same goes for the girl-on-his-bike rule. Anyone catch someone - even if it's my friend or sister - let me know. I will simply not allow it.

Take a hike gal. If you have no respect for me, I'll have absolutely zero for you.