Juz Another Gal

What else can I say? I'm just another girl!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Help me get over him

Little did I know there were so many readers of my blog.

Thank you to all of you who have kept your silent vigil over me. I hope you continue to do so because it helps to know that someone out there is actually reading my thoughts.. and actually bothers to find out...

I only cried on Saturday. When I packed his things. And when he told me face-to-face.

The end of a 5.5 year relationship only end in so few tears? Impossible. I admit, it was the hardest I'd ever cried in my life. And this is my first ever heartbreak.

I know it's not worth it, but I think dying is the only way to rid of this torture. Then again, small bursts of fear and excitement do help a bit now and then. Going at 200km/hr was mighty dangerous...

[Of course, it was an awakening to see one of the bikes in my group get knocked by a taxi and him fly into the bushes. Poor fella. Young guy. Luckily no major injuries. If he'd been geared up better his injuries wouldn't have been so bad.]

... but you know what? I don't care. He doesn't care. He probably never did.

Now, I can officially refer to him as my ex.

I've said the story before but perhaps I shall say it for the last time... he asked me to be his back in 2002... At my doorstep... It was simple and very sweet. I had been hurt by love before - but it was a very different kind of hurt. I said I was afraid but he asked me not to be. Asked me to try.... He convinced me....
Now.. he says that he doesn't see himself settling down with me in 5 years........ while sitting on my bed, in my room... I asked if we could just try anyway.... but he said no... that his feelings for me were not like before...

Guys will do and say anything to hook a girl up in the beginning won't they? Then at the end of it all, say a simple sorry and move on easily right?

I've heard all sorts of scenarios, prepared myself for this as best as possible. All the advices from the "textbook" of love, I'm applying to the best of my ability. But I'm told that this is just a phase, and that in about 2 weeks or so, I will probably feel the full impact of the break-up, and that I will most definitely breakdown.

I believe every word of it. I am strong - but not strong enough to hold everything in forever. I want this pain in me to go away. I want someone to hold.. hug.. but who'd let me? That person would be a substitute... and he'd know it.. It's not fair to anyone to be used like that...... And my new internet-known biker friend is turning exactly into that. I don't want him to have to be used like that. I appreciate all the time he's allowed himself to give up to keep me company and can only hope he doesn't mind me leaning on him a little bit for now.

I've got so many many many friends out there for me. I am very lucky indeed that the moment I told them of my heartbreak, they immediately offered their time and listening ears. Thank you. All of you. For it means a lot to me. But I'm afraid no number of listening ears would be able to help me feel any better for now. This is the first time I've ever had to suffer from such an indescribable hurt in my heart.

If any of you get contacted by him, don't tell me if he asks how I'm doing. But you could always tell him how absolutely miserable I am - and it is all because of him. And that if I should die or something happen to me, the onus would be on him.
Then again, I don't think he'd care. If only there was a way to make him more miserable than I was. I need to hate him. I want him to feel every bit of heartbreak I feel. And then some.
If you want to mention him to me, tell me how well he's doing.. how happy he is.. I think I should be able to transform that love into hate. One day, that hate would turn into nonchalance.

My mum doesn't know about this now. I'll let her know once she's on the plane back from her holiday. Sux right? Tell me when my parents not in town. He must really not like me at all any more.

What will happen in the coming weeks? Months?
- I will probably continue to wallow in my own sorrow.
- I will have to get rid of whatever he has ever bought for me.
- I will avoid all the photos I have had of him.
- I will be dependent on all of you friends - to listen, accompany me, and intro me new people!!!
- I will cry again - and probably do so before I sleep/once I wake up for a period of time.
- I will learn to hate him.
- I will not dare to fall for anyone else for a long long long long time.
- I will be even more wary of love than I already was.

Like a friend said, I thought that the next stage in my life would be marriage (as if I was ready for it anyway) - but it turns out that I am now back to square one. Just that to go all the way back to searching for another special someone? Nope. I'll stop doing the search. I want people to come look for me.

If you fit the following criteria:
1) Older than 25
2) Taller than 1.65m
3) Very loyal and faithful
4) Better than me at something
5) Like music
6) Seeking something long-term
7) Enjoy being with friends and family (read: able to get along with MY friends and family)
8) Able to support yourself
9) Single and available
10) Will love me wholeheartedly for who I am

let's meet up.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

It's over

After a fantastic 5 years, he's broken up with me.

I'm officially single now.

No more guesses. No more assumptions.

He said he just doesn't feel for me like he used to. Says he doesn't want to hog me for another 5 yrs only to tell me he won't land up marrying me.

How I could not feel it coming, I don't know.

All I know is that it's over.

And no reason/excuse can make me feel better.

It doesn't matter now... after I mourn... I must learn to move on...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Where is my boyfriend?

He's avoiding me. The last time I heard from him was yesterday morning.

There are many things I'm guessing about him during this silence. Who knows where he's gone out to play too...

Still, I've spoken to his mum, who says he has been very depressed lately. She tells me he's spoken to him, and that he is just very confused and lost. That I don't need to worry or think too much. That he will call me. And that he does love me very much. But is afraid of disappointing me one day.

I don't know why this is striking him all of a sudden. I most certainly couldn't have triggered anything of this scale. Yet, something did.

I don't know if it would serve as a good wake up call? Or whether it is a cooling off period for both of us to re-evaluate what we want out of this relationship and our lives.

Ok, so maybe it's just him. I've been very clear about what I want. Who I want. How I want. Although I may not always be so gung-ho and get everything on my list done, as a broad overview, I would think that I have managed my life such that it has been going in the right direction.

Do all guys get such "times of reflection"?

I've spoken to several guys, and I value all the input. From the negative to the positive, I've been extremely rational and evaluated them according to his personality. Still, too many scenarios appear.

I continue to wait till he contacts me. I have been looking forward so much to spending this weekend with him...

Come back to me Dearie.. Whatever it is, we can always work things out and talk it through.....

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Sad sad

Why do I feel so sad?
Because my bf treats me like any other friend of his. Which isn't too badly for a friend, but extremely disappointing as a girlfriend.
Of late, I can ask him where he is or who he's with but he won't say. Sigh.

So who am I to him really?
Unless it's what I want to hear, I am not sure I want to know.

So what am I doing about it?
Nothing. I am trying to be as normal could be. I don't know if I should try to act as how a gf does because I don't seem to be getting any reciprocation for such action. It's as if I'm throwing myself at him and there's no response.

So how am I coping?
On the surface, I would think I'm doing really well. Still able to come to work and do everything that has been expected of me.
On the inside, I'm wailing, kicking and shouting. If it stops, I'm afraid that my heart would no longer feel for him. Through the days I've been swallowing the sobs that have crept up to my throat and fought back the tears that reached my eyes.

What I hope would happen?
That he realises how he is killing me from the inside. That it hurts like hell to have a boyfriend who doesn't treat me as a girlfriend. I've always always always never ever asked for anything much - except for his time, attention, and effort to show that I mean something more to him than just another girl... or just a friend...

I know his friends, but it doesn't mean that I want them to go approaching him and telling him how to be a bf. I think it might piss him off. I don't know.

Looking ahead.....?
I don't dare look far except for myself. After he gets his bike... after he finishes the exams for his degree... I will ask one last time whether he sees me in his future. If he cannot give me an answer I want to hear, then I may have to listen to my head more than my heart. As usual, I may be laying some instructions I may not follow through myself - but considering how long I have pondered upon this, the time for it to become a reality creeps up closer each time.

Usually, by this time in my evaluation and pouring out of my heart, I feel better and whatever I typed usually becomes words of anger. Venting of frustration completed. This time, I feel exactly the same as before I started writing.

I miss him... but does he miss me?
I love him... but does he love me?

If he does, can someone pls ask him to show me? to tell me?
If he doesn't, please end my torture now.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tis the season for ... r/s problems?

A couple of people around me are having problems with their relationships - if you could call it that. 'Cos technically, they're not together with the guy/girl.

But I am.

And what I'm having is not so much a problem, but rather something that is recurring. It is so irritating because everything he does just seems wrong. Whether or not I can justify it I just get pissed off.

If I were at the receiving end of this, to be honest, I'd do what he'd do - IGNORE. haha... ironic.

Ah well... He's gonna be busy this Saturday night.
And so will I.

It's party time.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Here comes that time of the year again

The 2 of us have made up, but I still can't help feeling somewhat pissed off.
- Maybe because when he came over, he was pink in the face, and had alcohol (beer) in his breath - and mind you he reached my place at 8pm in working attire, plus he is NOT a drinker.
- When I wanted to snuggle with him a little more, his phone began ringing and he said he had to go pump petrol. Again.
- He's got plans this Saturday again and they don't include me. Supposedly planned some time ago.

I know i know. Trust him.. right? I don't understand why it should be so hard for me. I mean, I've spent a considerable amount of time with my colleagues too.
The petrol thing is not something new. This time I've met the people he goes with.
And him having plans on Saturday isn't something that hasn't happened before - and I've done it before myself.

So again, what is my problem? I'm trying to diagnose this. It seems that this pang hits me at the same few points of a year. And it is bloody irritating. I can talk to him about it, but I must come up with some sort of action plan so that when the question""So what do you want me to do?" comes up, I have an answer. Thing is: I don't.

I would assume that perhaps a little gesture from him (eg: presents, flowers, a surprise, etc) would be nice and could appease me for quite a while. But you don't ask your own boyfriend: eh, give me surprise leh. Do you?!?!?!

I take a little comfort that he's telling me upfront this time. This means I have 3 more days to plan what I intend to do this Saturday. Up till now, it's jam packed already so no problems for that. Sunday afternoons are for flute practice so perhaps I'll only see him on Sunday. We'll see about that.

Meanwhile, I can only hope a little bird flies by his ear and whispers my thoughts to him.
Follow my heart and not the mind. That's been the advice from the oldest of days.
But how long I can keep to this advice I don't know. It is a reality that if it is taken for granted that I'll stick around forever, I will disappoint - for walking away is always an option. And it is no secret how to stop me from going down that path..

How is it that I can suddenly become so needy of attention and affection once again? The possessive and green-coloured monster in me is putting on its horns again to do the annual show it does. This time I'm going to control it. I have to.

How should I explain to him what I am feeling inside? I do not want my friend to have to be the one to convey to him what I want. It's not right. And it's a burden on my friend. This is the communication that I suck at. I simply have no idea how to tell him. What am I supposed to say?

Monday, October 15, 2007

Let me remind you: I'm just a girl.

I haven’t blogged in a while. There’s much to say but just too little time to write.

But as usual, what brings me to the blog are usually my mood swings – be them up or down. And I have to admit, it’s usually down when it comes to blogging. How sad to associate it like that.

I was in need of some company. Time with my boyfriend after yet another long week. Saturday was here at last. He came over, but only to sleep. And he did that throughout. He didn’t even wake up when I said I was hungry and wanted to go and eat. I mean, fine, you’re tired. The least you can do is try to hong3 me in the morning. Say something like: Sorry I didn’t keep you company last night.

Or if you dread the word, just say: Don’t angry lah…

Very difficult meh?! Sigh… But no. It was as if nothing happened. And the more he was nonchalant about it, the angrier I became.

By the time I left the house for flute practice I was no longer angry, but upset. That my own bf couldn’t even be bothered to try and cheer me up. Woo me back.

The whole of Sunday was miserable, and I am expecting no better for today. Don’t say I didn’t try. I smsed him to say I hoped he knew the reason why I was upset. He didn’t reply that one.

Later, our friend wanted to treat us to K-dinner. I was already with her with a couple of others so obviously I went. At least I actually did msg to ask if he was interested. I even tried calling but he didn’t pick up.

So what now. It’s my fault he’s pissed off instead?

Hello? I seriously do not think I did anything wrong at all lor. Is it very evil to just want a little attention once or twice a week? I mean what’s a boyfriend for then? What’s a girlfriend for?

I know I know. I’m blowing up a tiny matter into something way over the top. Considering how nice he’s been this whole time thus far, it’s really petty. Still, I think that as a girlfriend, it’s about time I exercise some privileges I’ve not gotten to enjoy.

I’m feeling very heartbroken right now. I think anger is easier to deal with than this. I can’t control what I’m feeling. And if I didn’t feel anything, I would walk out of this immediately.

Why can’t he just do what most boyfriends would? Just woo me back. I don’t need your flowers and sweets. Just a nice good hug and whisper kind words…

This time, I will wait till he contacts me. I shall be the girl and wait for him to realise that if he wants me, he needs to show me.