Help me get over him

Little did I know there were so many readers of my blog.

Thank you to all of you who have kept your silent vigil over me. I hope you continue to do so because it helps to know that someone out there is actually reading my thoughts.. and actually bothers to find out...

I only cried on Saturday. When I packed his things. And when he told me face-to-face.

The end of a 5.5 year relationship only end in so few tears? Impossible. I admit, it was the hardest I'd ever cried in my life. And this is my first ever heartbreak.
IT HURTS LIKE HELL.

I know it's not worth it, but I think dying is the only way to rid of this torture. Then again, small bursts of fear and excitement do help a bit now and then. Going at 200km/hr was mighty dangerous...

[Of course, it was an awakening to see one of the bikes in my group get knocked by a taxi and him fly into the bushes. Poor fella. Young guy. Luckily no major injuries. If he'd been geared up better his injuries wouldn't have been so bad.]

... but you know what? I don't care. He doesn't care. He probably never did.

Now, I can officially refer to him as my ex.

I've said the story before but perhaps I shall say it for the last time... he asked me to be his back in 2002... At my doorstep... It was simple and very sweet. I had been hurt by love before - but it was a very different kind of hurt. I said I was afraid but he asked me not to be. Asked me to try.... He convinced me....
Now.. he says that he doesn't see himself settling down with me in 5 years........ while sitting on my bed, in my room... I asked if we could just try anyway.... but he said no... that his feelings for me were not like before...

Guys will do and say anything to hook a girl up in the beginning won't they? Then at the end of it all, say a simple sorry and move on easily right?

I've heard all sorts of scenarios, prepared myself for this as best as possible. All the advices from the "textbook" of love, I'm applying to the best of my ability. But I'm told that this is just a phase, and that in about 2 weeks or so, I will probably feel the full impact of the break-up, and that I will most definitely breakdown.

I believe every word of it. I am strong - but not strong enough to hold everything in forever. I want this pain in me to go away. I want someone to hold.. hug.. but who'd let me? That person would be a substitute... and he'd know it.. It's not fair to anyone to be used like that...... And my new internet-known biker friend is turning exactly into that. I don't want him to have to be used like that. I appreciate all the time he's allowed himself to give up to keep me company and can only hope he doesn't mind me leaning on him a little bit for now.

I've got so many many many friends out there for me. I am very lucky indeed that the moment I told them of my heartbreak, they immediately offered their time and listening ears. Thank you. All of you. For it means a lot to me. But I'm afraid no number of listening ears would be able to help me feel any better for now. This is the first time I've ever had to suffer from such an indescribable hurt in my heart.

If any of you get contacted by him, don't tell me if he asks how I'm doing. But you could always tell him how absolutely miserable I am - and it is all because of him. And that if I should die or something happen to me, the onus would be on him.
Then again, I don't think he'd care. If only there was a way to make him more miserable than I was. I need to hate him. I want him to feel every bit of heartbreak I feel. And then some.
If you want to mention him to me, tell me how well he's doing.. how happy he is.. I think I should be able to transform that love into hate. One day, that hate would turn into nonchalance.

My mum doesn't know about this now. I'll let her know once she's on the plane back from her holiday. Sux right? Tell me when my parents not in town. He must really not like me at all any more.

What will happen in the coming weeks? Months?
- I will probably continue to wallow in my own sorrow.
- I will have to get rid of whatever he has ever bought for me.
- I will avoid all the photos I have had of him.
- I will be dependent on all of you friends - to listen, accompany me, and intro me new people!!!
- I will cry again - and probably do so before I sleep/once I wake up for a period of time.
- I will learn to hate him.
- I will not dare to fall for anyone else for a long long long long time.
- I will be even more wary of love than I already was.

Like a friend said, I thought that the next stage in my life would be marriage (as if I was ready for it anyway) - but it turns out that I am now back to square one. Just that to go all the way back to searching for another special someone? Nope. I'll stop doing the search. I want people to come look for me.

If you fit the following criteria:
1) Older than 25
2) Taller than 1.65m
3) Very loyal and faithful
4) Better than me at something
5) Like music
6) Seeking something long-term
7) Enjoy being with friends and family (read: able to get along with MY friends and family)
8) Able to support yourself
9) Single and available
10) Will love me wholeheartedly for who I am

let's meet up.