Sad sad

Why do I feel so sad?
Because my bf treats me like any other friend of his. Which isn't too badly for a friend, but extremely disappointing as a girlfriend.
Of late, I can ask him where he is or who he's with but he won't say. Sigh.

So who am I to him really?
Unless it's what I want to hear, I am not sure I want to know.

So what am I doing about it?
Nothing. I am trying to be as normal could be. I don't know if I should try to act as how a gf does because I don't seem to be getting any reciprocation for such action. It's as if I'm throwing myself at him and there's no response.

So how am I coping?
On the surface, I would think I'm doing really well. Still able to come to work and do everything that has been expected of me.
On the inside, I'm wailing, kicking and shouting. If it stops, I'm afraid that my heart would no longer feel for him. Through the days I've been swallowing the sobs that have crept up to my throat and fought back the tears that reached my eyes.

What I hope would happen?
That he realises how he is killing me from the inside. That it hurts like hell to have a boyfriend who doesn't treat me as a girlfriend. I've always always always never ever asked for anything much - except for his time, attention, and effort to show that I mean something more to him than just another girl... or just a friend...

I know his friends, but it doesn't mean that I want them to go approaching him and telling him how to be a bf. I think it might piss him off. I don't know.

Looking ahead.....?
I don't dare look far except for myself. After he gets his bike... after he finishes the exams for his degree... I will ask one last time whether he sees me in his future. If he cannot give me an answer I want to hear, then I may have to listen to my head more than my heart. As usual, I may be laying some instructions I may not follow through myself - but considering how long I have pondered upon this, the time for it to become a reality creeps up closer each time.

Usually, by this time in my evaluation and pouring out of my heart, I feel better and whatever I typed usually becomes words of anger. Venting of frustration completed. This time, I feel exactly the same as before I started writing.

I miss him... but does he miss me?
I love him... but does he love me?

If he does, can someone pls ask him to show me? to tell me?
If he doesn't, please end my torture now.