Confused Busy Girl

Friday morning started at the bus stop opposite my place, across the overhead bridge. How funny that my evening ended that exact bus stop too.

I know I said I would drop by Nana but I didn't. I landed up at St James for 1 glass of white wine and some dancing but that was it. Didn't spend much time there.

Saturday night was much more interesting. I got invited to a housewarming party of a colleague I didn't know. Cool huh? Haha! Mr German Colleague was so nice to ask me along, and I got to meet with a few people there I never had a chance to talk to in the office.

Somehow the champagne kept flowing and time kept flying. By the time I went to look for YL and my sister, the soccer match was halfway through. Oops.

Sunday was only spent on flute practice. I was exhausted from the night before you see.

This week will have me meeting old colleagues at my previous work place, attending the musical "We Will Rock You", attending my convocation, going for dinner with Jass and the rest, flute practice again but on Saturday this time.

I logged in thinking I'd write a lot - but I realised I didn't know what to write. Maybe it's because I'm simply confused. It's always a wonder how nothing can ever stay perfect for long. I guess these ups and downs are what makes life such a journey. An adventure.

One moment your work, love, family and friends are all working out well. The next moment, one of them starts to crumble, another has cracks, and the whole world feels as if it's crashing down on you. Then somehow, things do get better, back to the "perfect" state, and the cycle repeats itself.

I think that things will change after New York. Out of sight, out of mind. Or does absence make the heart grow fonder? I think the former is more like it. I don't want it to be the case - but it is only right that I hope so.

The clock is ticking.. April is here.. the time for goodbyes is near.....

Erm.. oops?

I saw an old video of me during the last band concert when I had long hair. I also saw an old photo of me with it. So I figured, why not try leaving my hair longer this time? Again!

I rebonded my hair and turned back time to how I looked like when I was 21 - I looked 18. And now, I look that same way again.

Damn.

Hope it works in my benefit. I like how my hair feels light again once more, but I'm also looking forward to it being longer (if I didn't rebond, then my hair would grow out very frizzily). Once it is, I'll colour and snip up a different hairctyle again.

That will take a few months so I'm not going to worry about my hair till then. For those who know me, you know that appearances are not my priority.

I liked the reactions I got from colleagues though. Everyone noticed. Fine, it was hard not to. But it was nice still.

Had dinner and drinks with colleagues today at Pahang Street. Good food, nice place - and of course fantastic company. Some of them went home after, while I went to look for another 2 colleagues in Chinatown. Had a great time talking there too.

THere's going to be breakfast for the team tomorrow morning. Yay! Very unhealthy breakfast bee hoon, but I hope the team will get to eat together at least.

I hope I'm not messing up at work. I know there's plenty for me to follow up on but I haven't gotten down to doing so. I need to buck up - at least before going to NY. Plus I need to speed up the editing of the thesis. I'm taking too long.

It feels good to be busy. Expecting to see some ex colleagues again soon. Sunday is flute prac. This Friday on leave so I must collect certificate, go facial + collect my gown. At night, may go Nana. Next week I'm supposed to arrange a lunch appt. Wed night I can't remember what's supposed to be on. Thursday night is the musical. Next friday convocation, then dinner at Sin Hoi San with Jass and the rest.

I'm confused. So many things going on. But I like. To be exact: I'm loving it.

I must not fall in love

Oops. It's been a week again.

There were 2 very nice big gatherings last week. Wednesday night at Balaclava and Thursday night at Thumper. Both very fun. Both different set of colleagues. Different feel.

My long weekend was spent mostly on trying to do some work on Mr German Colleague's thesis. He needs to submit it very soon and I am leaving end of April for NY so I need to speed up my editing. This thesis was definitely longer than I expected. A LOT longer. It's like a freaking book.

But I promised I'd help. So I will. I may not be the best in English, nor may I be the best at understanding data warehousing, but the fact that I can make out what he is trying to say on paper does put me in a position where I may just about be the best person to help him through this.

Apart from that, I managed to do up yet another flute quartet. Easy piece to play but ... somehow the arrangement sounds very strange. See how it goes later this week.

Caught the Malaysian F1 Grand Prix on TV with sis and dad. Very good race I must say. I stopped watching the races for 1 year. And that was when the F1 fever picked up. Funny. I wonder how the Singapore night race will be..... Meanwhile, the latest season of CSI is gooooooood. YL.... jealous? Hahaha!!!

I'm planning on going for a haircut this evening. Too bad that the salon Next is full and can't take me for an appointment. So I'll be selecting any random shop. See what happens when I come to work tomorrow. Who knows, I may not even get a cut because I can't find another salon there! Haha!

It feels like the monsoon season with all this rain. I'd very much like to organise a zoo trip, or beach day, or swimming session, but the weather is seriously discouraging. A KTV session or more drinking sessions sound more like it. Anyway, NY is on the way up already. so I don't need to worry too much about not having anything to fill my time.

My convocation is next Friday. This Friday is the fitting of my gown. I don't even know where the ulu place is. Blech. Hope they call and confirm the appointment so I can ask them for the address again. Need to take a day off. 1.5 days to be exact.

Next week: We Will Rock You with Jiahui! That's on Thursday. But who cares. Watching another musical!

My dept's new temp gal Ivy asks me to go to Nana this Friday. Some Thai club that was at the space that was Momo. Will probably go take a look. Hmm... see how it goes for the week first.

I'm getting increasingly frustrated with myself for getting so close with someone I'm not supposed to. As I continue to tread on this path of wrongdoing, I blame my selfishness......
Whatever happened to the very morals I used to stood by?
When and why did I start letting loose of all my inhibitions and just did whatever I felt like?

What a sinful start to 2008. But it'll change. I'm very sure of that. For this is just temporary. We're, after all, just friends. And will only be able to go so far as this.

Short week. Yippee~

Lest anyone thinks I'm "drinking my sorrows away", trust me, I am NOT.

It just so happens that different groups ask me for the same catching-up session on different days. I'm not one to turn down good company. The food/drinks/location are always secondary.

It's a short week, but long days ahead in the office. Not so much for me, but for my boss and fellow team members. Credit crunch is hitting hard. I'm just an admin girl and may not be able to help much, but I will do whatever else I can to contribute. I like my job - and I like that it keeps me busy.

But busy as I may be, I want to be able to do up another couple of flute quartets when I get the time. Perhaps this long weekend would give a good window for that. Maybe one day we'll be able to get an alto flute so we can play a wider variety of pieces - and sound better too!

Don't you hate it when you're attracted to someone you know you shouldn't be to? It's irritating as hell. I feel as if I'm playing a game. Only that it really is not. Am I up to it? I think I am. But I need to start building a thicker wall. The pre-existing one is in need of repairs. Every once in a few years it needs that little maintenance.

I should do an overhaul this time. My mind needs to be stronger than the heart to do this. I don't want to grow cold.. but I've done this before, and I sure as hell can do it again. I have to.

Meanwhile, my "happening" life (as my colleagues like to call it) will not stop. I don't hope it will. I miss going to the beach, or lazing around the pool. And I think a visit to the zoo may be in order one day too.

There's lots to do. I just need to find the right company - and dig out the time. :O)

Drinking week

It was not meant to be such... but I can't help it if people ask right?

Tuesday night was a division dinner. Awkward but interesting. Drank some wine. Just a tiny bit.

Wednesday night was meant to be alcohol free - but it landed up with 1.5 bottles of Johnnie Walker amongst 4 people.

Thursday night was something I called for amongst some colleagues. Just to chill out. Partially because of 1 birthday girl. And partially because I was on leave on Friday. 0.5 bottles of that Johnnie Walker and 1 bottle of champagne amongst 7 people. And another bottle of champagne amongst me and another colleague.

Friday night was ironically the one I drank the least at. Maybe because of my ridiculous cough. And also because I was really tired. My leave was cancelled. So naturally I was more tired than usual.

Some more drinks tonight. A girl I met on Tuesday asked, so... why not? Haha! I can do sit down drinks and talking, but no dancing. Not these 2 days I think.

Flute practice tomorrow morning! Yippee! Need to practice hard so I won't spoil the performance in April.

With the market volatility like this, I don't think I'll be able to take leave next week either. Poor boss. Luckily I don't have anything planned on my off days. Cancelling is no biggie for me. I can clear them any other time I guess.

How is it everytime I say I want to drink less, more people ask me out for precisely that?! ARGH.

Never mind. I'm glad enough there're people asking me out. That's the important part. :O)

The break-up: a revisit

It's been a little over 4 months.

From the point of break up till now, I reckon I've been doing rather well. You know, surrounding myself with friends, keeping myself busy with as much as I can pack into my schedule... that kinda thing. It's actually been a good adventure so far.

Jass called this morning for a chat. I miss talking to her so much. But somehow our schedules have been clashing. Hoping to meet next Wednesday. At last. But that's not the point of this entry, although it originated from her.

She updated me about my ex. Someone who she has become close to. She has become (as far as I can tell) a really good support and outlet for him.
Apparently he doesn't seem to be coping so well with the breakup. Sure, he's still laughing and playing, but deep down, it's not all so rosy. I've said it before in earlier posts, but to hear it from her again just brought me back to the reality of "losing" someone so close.

Do I miss him? Of course! Times that I want to pick up the phone just to sms randomly, or call.. or whenever I want to go somewhere and need to look for company... I've got lots of friends to choose from but it's different, though I probably don't let it affect me as much because I tend to keep my focus on everything else instead. Missing him is a feeling I bury with anything else I can find. [Therefore, the busy schedule...]

But to hear about how he's doing now without me... I admit it, I melted. For a while. For a bit. Just knowing that I was not just another girl to him.

If he asks, will I go back to him?
I won't know until it actually happens, but at the moment, I'm sticking to the story that if someone wants me, he has to win me. Same for everyone. If he hopes that one day he can just walk back into my life and expect me to just get back together with him, well, I'm afraid it's not going to be that simple. I need to know that I am not taking a step back. That no matter who I may get the chance to be with is willing to move forward together. This applies to anyone. Even him. No, if I ever got a chance to go back with him, I wouldn't see it as a step back. For me to say yes, I would have made sure it is a step forward.

I can say all I want now, but I am very confident this will not be happening. He won't ask for us to be together again.

And I am not going to allow myself to keep such hope in me. I know better than to do that.
If there's anything that can crush a person (in the love department), it's hope and expectations.

But really, do I have that hope?
If yes, is it because I still have feelings for him? After all, it's only been 4 months. Not a particularly long period of time to forget someone.
If no, is it because I have given up? Or could it be that the "distractions" I've been lucky to have these past months have been extremely "effective"?

I know him so well. Jass didn't have to elaborate much and I understood completely.

Suddenly I'm seemingly thrown into confusion again. But I've always been somewhat confused in the first place.
I don't feel depressed, but neither am I jumping for joy. More like ... I am unsure of what I should feel.

Instead of brooding over this, I ought to again, bury myself in even more appointments, more drinks, more parties, more flute arrangements.......

I'm not running away. Because there is nothing to run away from. All I have are memories of the past, and updates of the present. I have absolutely no decisions I need to make, nor things to address. So no, I am not running away.

I am simply trying to move on. Every step I take is to go forward. To see what's in store.

My adventure continues...

Wasted weekend

I'm sick. Crap.

Been ill since earlier this week but I still had to go to work because of some stuff that had to be settled. THat was ok really, but what I don't like is having to use the whole weekend to stay in! ARGH!

If I was well, I could go for a swim, catch a movie, eat all the favourite foods....

But NOOOOO. What am I doing? Taking my lozenges, flumicil, cough syrup and gargling with salt water..... ARGH!!!!!

On the up-side, I found the time to do up 2 flute quartets this week. An easy one called "Dream A Little Dream Of Me", and my 'masterpiece' - a medley of songs from Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker Suite. The longest one I've ever done up - and would be a great feat to pull off.

I must aim to recover by tomorrow afternoon. If I don't get to play it, I at least want to hear it get played on real flutes. I can't wait!

It's ironic. How a girl like me - who has always condemned those who cheat on their partners - is being put in the situation. No, I'm still swinging single so that means I'm not the star. To be so close to someone who is already attached... surely, I must be the one in the wrong? Yet why is it I am still lingering around?

I simply concluded that I'm evil. That's why.
But that's a totally different story altogether. Shall share it next time perhaps? Let's see.

NY NY in May. Need to plan the itinerary and stuff. My 2 friends have been doing all the ground work. I really need to contribute and not just leech off them. I'm such a bad pre-traveller. But I assure I'm a good traveller! I can walk long distances without complaining and will go just about anywhere! :O)

Drowsiness is setting in. I'm going to tinkle on the piano a little bit. Shall leave TV for later today.

Must. Get. Well. Fast.