The break-up: a revisit

It's been a little over 4 months.

From the point of break up till now, I reckon I've been doing rather well. You know, surrounding myself with friends, keeping myself busy with as much as I can pack into my schedule... that kinda thing. It's actually been a good adventure so far.

Jass called this morning for a chat. I miss talking to her so much. But somehow our schedules have been clashing. Hoping to meet next Wednesday. At last. But that's not the point of this entry, although it originated from her.

She updated me about my ex. Someone who she has become close to. She has become (as far as I can tell) a really good support and outlet for him.
Apparently he doesn't seem to be coping so well with the breakup. Sure, he's still laughing and playing, but deep down, it's not all so rosy. I've said it before in earlier posts, but to hear it from her again just brought me back to the reality of "losing" someone so close.

Do I miss him? Of course! Times that I want to pick up the phone just to sms randomly, or call.. or whenever I want to go somewhere and need to look for company... I've got lots of friends to choose from but it's different, though I probably don't let it affect me as much because I tend to keep my focus on everything else instead. Missing him is a feeling I bury with anything else I can find. [Therefore, the busy schedule...]

But to hear about how he's doing now without me... I admit it, I melted. For a while. For a bit. Just knowing that I was not just another girl to him.

If he asks, will I go back to him?
I won't know until it actually happens, but at the moment, I'm sticking to the story that if someone wants me, he has to win me. Same for everyone. If he hopes that one day he can just walk back into my life and expect me to just get back together with him, well, I'm afraid it's not going to be that simple. I need to know that I am not taking a step back. That no matter who I may get the chance to be with is willing to move forward together. This applies to anyone. Even him. No, if I ever got a chance to go back with him, I wouldn't see it as a step back. For me to say yes, I would have made sure it is a step forward.

I can say all I want now, but I am very confident this will not be happening. He won't ask for us to be together again.

And I am not going to allow myself to keep such hope in me. I know better than to do that.
If there's anything that can crush a person (in the love department), it's hope and expectations.

But really, do I have that hope?
If yes, is it because I still have feelings for him? After all, it's only been 4 months. Not a particularly long period of time to forget someone.
If no, is it because I have given up? Or could it be that the "distractions" I've been lucky to have these past months have been extremely "effective"?

I know him so well. Jass didn't have to elaborate much and I understood completely.

Suddenly I'm seemingly thrown into confusion again. But I've always been somewhat confused in the first place.
I don't feel depressed, but neither am I jumping for joy. More like ... I am unsure of what I should feel.

Instead of brooding over this, I ought to again, bury myself in even more appointments, more drinks, more parties, more flute arrangements.......

I'm not running away. Because there is nothing to run away from. All I have are memories of the past, and updates of the present. I have absolutely no decisions I need to make, nor things to address. So no, I am not running away.

I am simply trying to move on. Every step I take is to go forward. To see what's in store.

My adventure continues...