Proof that I am indeed Juz Another Gal

I couldn’t focus on anything on Monday. He still didn’t reply my smses. I felt as if I was suffocating. (Today, I read that it IS possible to die from a broken heart. Wow.)

Anyway, I planned to go over and look for him after class. Then I realised an important detail: he wasn’t online when I checked in the evening. This meant that chances were he wasn’t home. He didn’t contact me, so I figured I Bladey to try asking. Of course, he replied him. He said he’d be home at 11+.

Instead of roaming outside on my own, I went home first, then left the house at about 11:30pm in hopes for a talk. I tried calling before I left, but his handphone was off.

I sat on his doorstep for a while. Before long, YL was calling me, and it was as if my sister, her bf and YL were on a frantic search for where I was. Bladey knew very well where I was and my intentions. I spoke to YL a bit on the phone. As it went past midnight, I figured maybe I should write a note and paste it on his door.

I know they were all concerned for me when even his mother started sms-ing me. Damn. I must be such a seriously monotonous person that no one believes that I can indeed do something out of the blue, in the spur of a moment.

As I was writing mid-way, he walked up the steps and our eyes met. Was it the feeling of meeting someone so familiar? Or was it of seeing a stranger?

For the rest of the time, I was doing the speaking. I cried and mumbled through the first half, but repeated it in a much more coherent manner when the sobs stopped. All this time, he just stood there and nodded. There was no quarrel, but I dare say the communication was pretty one-sided. But it was kind of what I expected. And I went there to do what I intended to – tell him my feelings.

I don’t know what time I left. In the cab, I replied a few smses that had come in earlier. I was emotionally tired.

This morning, I woke up and felt as if a part of me had died. Have I already built a wall around me these 2 days? I feel as if the heartache is now a soft pain in the background, a familiar hurt.

I start to think what I could do, or what anyone else could do, to make me feel better. I thought of warm hugs, flowers, surprises… Nothing seemed like it would be spontaneous enough to display some sort of sincerity.

Am I expecting him to “win me back”? Has he already lost me?

I do not wish to think he has. I am unsure of what I am feeling. What I am expecting. Maybe, as the day goes by, I will feel better and my feelings will become clearer.

Some things I used to say jokingly to my friends, that they should teach him some pointers how to treat me, what he could do for me, etc etc… Maybe I should have said them in a more serious manner. But then again, it ought to be my job to tell him what I expect him to do. He can’t read my mind.

But the flipside is neither can I read his.

I don’t know if I mean anything to him. I don’t know if I am important to him. I don’t know if he will notice if I disappeared. If the answer is yes to all, I don’t know how I expect him to show it. Maybe just whisper to me huh? Hahaha… Despite being as much a practical, low maintenance person, I am higher maintenance on the emotional side?

All girls need a tinge of romance. Holding my hands and looking into my eyes counts too. I don’t need diamonds or flowers, soft toys or gadgets. See how low maintenance I am? Ah well….

To all who left comments in my previous post (emiryo, Sexual Innuendo, Crayola, Ghost, Chang): Thank you. I know it’s a communication problem. It probably still is. But I am darn sure I have done my best as whatever a girlfriend can do. I just need some reassurance – like all girls need. Every comment you take the time to leave gives me support and more food for thought. I always enjoy reading comments. ALWAYS.

Bladey: Thanks for keeping me company via sms and msn. I know all I need to tell him is to read my blog. But I’ve already done that and he doesn’t bother. Like I said: If you friends tell him, then maybe he will. :O)

Alvin: You’ve been sweet as usual. Thank you.

YL, my sis and her bf: Don’t worry about me. Try to make HIM worried about me instead. Haha… You all know how happy I am with him. How every moment snuggling with him brings out a naïve and innocent side of me. Unfortunately, my love needs reciprocation. I’m a lot stronger emotionally than I am physically. I usually get over it fast. You all should know that by now right? Heehee…