Love you, love me

I always thought that I blogged more when I was sad, angry or plain unhappy.

Turns out, I was most unhappy the past 2 days. Mostly formed by heartbroken me.

Funny why I should feel this way. It almost feels as if I’ve fallen out of love.

I had a great time on Saturday, having gone make a new pair of spectacles at the Concourse, went window shopping, lunch, movie and a very good dinner. Even ended up at Cineleisure’s E2Max which I would very much like to go to again.

My mummy smsed me as I was getting onto Dearie’s bike, saying that Ki was still not sleeping. We rushed back and managed to catch a few moments with the little sleepy boy.

Dearie and I were very tired having been up since morning. As we held each other, I don’t know why, but I asked if he’d start saving up with a piggy bank. Just by dropping some coins in every now and then. He outright said no, and gave some lame excuse about being lazy to do so.

I asked him repeatedly, why not and why won’t he just do it for me. I mean, I think this is one of the very few times (or one and only time) that I asked him to do something for me.

With Valentine’s day coming up, and us having such a great day before, I thought he’d relent, but he didn’t. I got really upset. When I do, I usually don’t say a word and start moving around like some sort of zombie. He, as usual, didn’t bother. By the time he left my place, he himself seemed pissed off too.

I crawled back into my bed, and cried myself to sleep.

---

I woke up the next morning, almost forgetting what had happened. Maybe it was the magic of Ki waking me up, but the sadness soon started to seep in.

For the rest of Sunday I was bumming around the house, checking my mobile and MSN every now and then.

What I really was doing? Hoping that Dearie would drop me a nice sms, a call to check on me, a message to see how I was doing, or perhaps a ring on the doorbell for a hug.

None of them happened.

I felt even more upset.

A friend told me if I wanted him to do something, I needed to tell him. Honestly, I was not in the mood. If I did, and he didn’t do so, I’ll get angry. If he did do so, I won’t be able to guarantee I’d feel a lot better either.

I dropped him a little message on MSN, telling him what it would have meant to me if he did what I asked him. Just that silly piggy bank thingy would have at least indicated somewhat to me what he was willing to do for me, to make me happy. You can imagine my devastation when he plain refused – which seemed to tell me he was not willing to do anything for me.

His only reply for the day was that he didn’t know that was what it meant.
That’s all. Just one sentence.

I watched 3 hours of CSI on my own. Usually he’d come over, even if just for an hour. I didn’t budge from the couch the whole time, with some sort of secret hope he’d come by, but he didn’t.

I dropped a good night sms to him. I went to bed and tried to sleep. I tried to cry. I don’t know how, but I still managed to wake up this morning for work.

I usually talk to my mum in the morning, and smile to all of my colleagues. I didn’t do much of either today.

I didn’t receive any reply from him. The only thing that showed on my mobile when I woke up was that of the alarm I had set.

Tomorrow’s Valentine’s day. We don’t usually celebrate it. He doesn’t give me gifts on this day, or treat me to candlelight dinner. It’s not these things that matter to me. Really. A hug, a kiss or even a card is enough to appease me. But it doesn’t seem like I’ll be getting either this year.

A lot of my friends, even my mummy, say I should start discussing my future with Dearie. Honestly, he’s not interested in the discussion. He’ll avoid it at all costs. It’s not like I’m very ready myself, so despite the pressure, I’m fine with my own pace.

Still, it’s not like I am asking a lot from Dearie. At least that’s what I feel. Am I wrong? For all the love that I give, all I really am asking back in return is some affection and appreciation. I don’t want to feel like I am being taken for granted. I don’t want to feel like I am just another friend. I don’t want to feel like I am single on Valentine’s day when I am not.

Please Dearie… Don’t make my heart harden up again like the time before I met you. Please… I don’t know how to translate this word into english but in Chinese, it’s known as hong3.

Dearie, I know you don’t read my blog, but if for some odd reason you stumbled onto this post and actually read through it, hear my plea: hong3 me. I never taught you how to do so, like so many people have said I should have “trained” you to, but I actually assumed you’d pick up the “skills” eventually… Like from movies…

Every now and then, a girl just needs some extra affection.

That time for me is now.